Sometimes.....

Sometimes, I wish that I could say what was really on my mind, and not have someone who needs to validate their feelings by making mine less....I wish that I had someone whom I could call, and cry and scream and vent to..the way I seem to be that person for other people. I wish that sometimes those around me would take MY thoughts and feelings as seriously as they want me to take theirs....is that wrong? Too much to ask of those around me??

I try and try to talk to Sam....I am not sure if he just doesn't want to hear, or he doesn't know how to cope....I can honestly say that I am seriously depressed right now....I am miserable. I don't know how to change anything...I know and am willing to acknowledge that there are things that need to change, but I've got no desire to make the changes....I talk about it, and talk about it...giving off the impression that I am actually going to do it...but when I am honest with myself, I don't think I am going to. It's not that I don't want to...or perhaps it is....I am not sure....

I just don't know what to do anymore...I know that I am unhappy, I know that I don't like how I feel, or how I look. I know that I want to change these things.....I just don't feel like I truly know how...and I feel like no one understands that...everyone has these "ideas" of how I can get better....but no one is there when it really matters....I am the one crumbling, and yet I am the one left to pick up my own pieces...as well as theirs...I don't understand what is so wrong with ME wanting someone to hold me, to tell me that it's all going to be okay..to sweep away my fears, and dry my tears. To pick me up and hold me when my legs just give out...I do it for everyone else all the time....why not me?