Blech!

That pretty much sums up what I am feeling right about now.....So Sam and I had this conversation last night...I think that kind of took of both for a loop. He was saying that he feels like his weeks start off better, and then subsequently go better after he attends church on Sunday, and I had to admit that I felt the opposite. I find that My weeks go better when I don't go, I know that I should be going, but what's the point of going somewhere that is supposed to make you feel better, but all it does is drag you down?? It's like spending time with my In-Laws!! I know that I should spend time with them, but I am a much happier person when I don't spend time with them. It's sad really. But what makes this so hard, is that I want to support Sam, and I want to be able to go with him...but I just don't wanna!!

To make matters worse, it's getting hard to get the kids motivated to go. I mean, it's o.k. for Stephen, but it's hard on Meghan and Caleb. Meghan is by herself in a class with all boys, and Caleb isn't friends with ANY of the kids in his class. It doesn't help that most of the "moms" in the ward are stuck up bitches, and they think it's ok for their "perfect" offspring to treat people who are different from them like shit. I have taken this up with the Primary Pres. but there is only so much that she can do. She is awesome, and I am so grateful for her, and who she is... but it's almost just not enough. I know that I should probably talk to the Bishop about all this, but I am just unsure as to what to say. I don't want to hear the "standard" answers....it's not all me, or what I am NOT doing...even while doing everything that I am "supposed" to do....it still is the same...I still feel like I am a fish out of water!

I just do not understand why I should have to feel like I am supposed to fit into this mold, of who or what I am supposed to be, and why am I a horrible person if I don't? And this is NOT something new....it's not as if I just woke up and decided one day and decided to feel this way...it's been there in the back of my mind for years and years...I feel like no matter how hard I try, it's just never good enough. I can change and make myself fit into that fucking mold, but in the end I am still unhappy. All that I want to be is happy, with my life, my family, my God, everything. Is that so much to ask for?