I hate you God

How do you adequately explain to someone why you are mad at a omnipotent being how do you explain the anger that rages inside of you. The inescapable hurt that haunts you day in and day out?

I want to, and yet my words fail me. I hate God right now. I just do. There is no rational argument that you can give me to change how I feel right now. This burning feeling of loathing that rips through my body and mind.

The anxiety that is overwhelming when I am asked to put it aside and suffer through. I know you don't realize that is what you are asking, but how do i tell you I hate your god? When I tell you, you try and tell me that it's all part of the plan. I don't understand that right now. I am not in a place where I am needing to hear that. I need you to understand, to support me, to love me despite of myself. I need to know that You love me, when God has abandoned me. Because that I how I feel. Abandoned.

I want to know why. Why did God make me this way? Why is this my trial by fire? I do what I am supposed to do, I work my "steps" as it were. I go to my Dr,. I go to my therapy, I take my meds. I am doing all that I can. I know it's never going to get better, most days I can sort of accept that fact. But when I am asked to sit in your church and listed to how great God is, it puts me over the edge.

Which brings us back to being angry. How can a loving being support this pain, this torment. The non-ending fight for control of one's own sanity?  I wish that I could say that after sleeping on it, I feel differently.. But I don't . I feel a little bit more in control of my thoughts now that the emotional distress has somewhat passed. I can still feel that anger that rages inside my mind, begging to be let free.

I am so tired, so tired of trying to be stronger that the irrational thoughts that constantly plague me. I am tired of the fight to live through the hard times. My mind, my soul, hell even my body is spent. My heart is tired from all the aching, my face from all the smiles that are plastered on. I am tired of lying to myself, and others that I am fine, that things are getting better. There are days, when it feel like things are going better, that perhaps today will be different, However those days are becoming fewer and father and farther apart.

So, tell me God. Why? Why me? What did I do? Was I indecisive in some way during your "great war"? Because here I am... Well here are parts of me. I've never been whole, but I have learned how to survive. I am tired of trying to just survive.