Life isn't all it's cracked up sometimes

After a seriously emotional rollercoaster of a day, full of stress and padded due to lack of sleep I know I can only do so much. I know that it's okay for me to focus on my own mental health and ignore those who can't or won't respect it. I am grateful for an awesome support system, I know that not everyone has one; just like not everyone has access to care for mental illness issues. I am thankful that I do.

That said, even with access you have to be willing to admit when you need help. It's not always easy to admit that things have gotten out of your control, especially when you struggle against all odds to control every aspect of your life. This is my struggle. I can't control my mental status, so I control everything else that I can. From stupid little things like how the floor is vacuumed or even how to dishes are loaded into the dishwasher.

What's even worse, is that I can't always see how damaging these behaviors are to my family. I can see the aftermath of a hypomanic episode or even a depressive one. However it's the daily things that I tend to overlook. The struggle to go to work, take care of myself, etc. Things that usually make me feel good I tend to ignore. I focus on the little things that annoy me and blow them out of proportion. Sometimes this a precursor to a hypomanic episode, even a depressive one.

I am now tracking my mood daily, and it's interesting so see how I truly feel at the end of each day. Even on days when I think everything went well, I realize perhaps it went too well, and know that I need to be accountable for that.

I think the biggest lie I tell myself is that I going to get better. I know I will have better days, but this illness is always going to be a part of who I am. Whether or not I let it define me is another story. As for now, I am on good meds, with a stable dose. I have meds to help me sleep when it's needed, and am lucky on the days when I don't. I am not afraid of the work that needs to be done to keep things on an even keel, I know it's going to be rough at times, but am praying the good days out weigh the bad in the end of it all. What else can someone ask for right?