Warts and All

So, I have been doing some deep thinking as of late... As to what my short term and even long term goals might be.

Short Term: Finish School. That's about it.
Long Term Goal: Use degree to get a new job.

But, as I was thinking about all this, and reminiscing about life and how much has changed for me in the past few years. How, I am living a life that I never envisioned for myself. I never knew I could want all the perks that I currently have. I didn't think I was equipped for them. For instance.. I never saw myself getting married. I had a dismal view of what marriage was like, and had no desire to relive my experiences in my adulthood. Gosh, I am so happy that changed!! I am beyond blessed to have my husband. Not that I have always felt that way, because honestly I haven't. I would love to be able to lay the blame for those feelings on a manic phase, or something. But reality is what it is. I know that there have been times where my mania has colored my perceptions of my life and surroundings. I would be in denial to say otherwise. But BPDII aside, we just don't always see eye to eye. That is just what being unique individuals will get ya! Anyhow, I digress... I love my husband, I am grateful for him beyond words. He keeps me grounded when I feel like flying away, and he picks me up when life just drags me through the dumps. We disagree, argue, heck we even have ginormous fights here and then. That's part of working through life with another person. Kids. The mere thought of them scared me silly for along time. I wasn't an easy kid, I was a terrible teenager, and I didn't want to put another living being through the hell that I had gone through growing up. Obviously now knowing what I know, I see the how and why I felt all those things. I am grateful that I have the freaking awesome kids I do. Again, they're not perfect, we have our ebbs and flows. I just cannot even imagine how boring or unfulfilled MY life would be without them. They along with the guy they call Dad, help keep me motivated. They all give me a reason to keep fighting. They help make me want to live, even when I feel as if they would be better off without me and all crazy truck loads of crap that come with me.

So, in light of ALL these fabulous revelations, I am thinking JUST THINKING of my next short term goal. I have a little under 5 years before I turn 40. I am actually kind of okay with that. I have decided that I am going to consider getting a tattoo on my wrist to remind myself to keep fighting. I found a awesome statement that has resonated with me since I first came across it... "long story short I survived " this ends with a heart, and I want to make it a semicolon.

For anyone who's stumbled across this post/blog or for anyone who reads it in secret for fear someone might find out.. Hugs. You're amazing. Keep Fighting! You're worth it! Don't be afraid to speak up! Let someone know what's going on with you. You are more loved than you will ever know.. You would be missed.. Don't let anyone or anything tell you different!