I think that my title pretty much sums up how I am feeling. I am super down, and I am just ready to break. I have not felt this fragile in a really long time. I am hoping that it's just the lack of sleep that is finally catching up with me that is contributing to me feeling this way...but ya just never know!! I feel as if I cannot do anything righ, or that I can not make anyone happy. It fucking sucks ass. I feel like no matter how hard I am trying it's just not good enough, nor will it ever be. While I know that it's never helpfull to wallow in self-pity; it sure feels awesome sometimes!
I know that Sam is stressed, so am I. I think that all the shit with Matt has something to do with his shity attitude, but i just don't know what to say or how to approach it without coming across the wrong way. There is so much that I want to say,that I think..but I keep it all to myself. I have not talked to anyone about this..partly because I am embarassed. I mean, I stuck my neck out for his as much as Sam did..and he screwed me over as well. It's no where near what he did to his own siblings, but I am still pretty hurt. I feel like this is just another brick in a ever growing wall between Sam and I...nice Pink Floyd reference don't ya think??
All that I know, is thta I am feeling lost. I know that I have not been putting for a effort of any kind as far as making sure that I am doing what I need to be doing, and I know that is part of my problem...I need to keep focused, and keep myself on track. Maybe I need a sticker chart..Pray, scripture, gym, eat, etc...it's not a bad idea!!
Well, at least I can honestly say that I am feeling much clamer, and slightly better after getting all this off my chest. I still wish that I had the courage to show this all to Sam, I know that on some level, I am hoping that he got curious and clicked to see what it was. But on the other hand I am petrified of what he might think/say/do if/when that were to happen. I kind of like the anonimity that this blog gives me. It's like my own personal "safe place". My sanctuary.
I know that Sam is stressed, so am I. I think that all the shit with Matt has something to do with his shity attitude, but i just don't know what to say or how to approach it without coming across the wrong way. There is so much that I want to say,that I think..but I keep it all to myself. I have not talked to anyone about this..partly because I am embarassed. I mean, I stuck my neck out for his as much as Sam did..and he screwed me over as well. It's no where near what he did to his own siblings, but I am still pretty hurt. I feel like this is just another brick in a ever growing wall between Sam and I...nice Pink Floyd reference don't ya think??
All that I know, is thta I am feeling lost. I know that I have not been putting for a effort of any kind as far as making sure that I am doing what I need to be doing, and I know that is part of my problem...I need to keep focused, and keep myself on track. Maybe I need a sticker chart..Pray, scripture, gym, eat, etc...it's not a bad idea!!
Well, at least I can honestly say that I am feeling much clamer, and slightly better after getting all this off my chest. I still wish that I had the courage to show this all to Sam, I know that on some level, I am hoping that he got curious and clicked to see what it was. But on the other hand I am petrified of what he might think/say/do if/when that were to happen. I kind of like the anonimity that this blog gives me. It's like my own personal "safe place". My sanctuary.
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